Year In Review

2014 brought with it introductions to new friends and visits from faroff loved ones.

We celebrated Cado's first birthday twice - once at the park in Dana Point and once at the zoo in Merced! Mother's Day was another highlight, as Uncle Isaac and Grammy joined us for soccer with our Korean church and a little tree-climbing by the lake.

We don't often travel without each other, but a few times this year that was the case: Dan at WonderCon with Alt Mode Games, Heidi and Cado at the annual Hemophilia Family Education Day, Heidi and Cado at Creekside's Fall Retreat, and Heidi and Cado with Grammy at Gigi and BOBE's house in preparation for Comic Con.

For Heidi's birthday, we took a day trip to Monterey. We explored the aquarium, romped all over Dennis the Menace Park, and even got to greet the Sea Lions at the wharf!

When the weather was good, we enjoyed the outdoors together. Cado and Bella loved to play together while Heidi tended the garden.

Taking every opportunity to spend our time together, we enjoyed family "dates" to Target, Barnes & Noble - even the pet store! We also attended language classes at Korean church and delighted in supervising Cado as he explored the world of grown-up "toys" like pianos and phones and so on.

A source of joy for both Heidi and Cadence has been the #dailynugshot on Facebook.

"Okay, who wants to make a blog called 'Gluten-Free, Dairy-Free and Mostly Meat-Free One-Bowl Meals For Busy Stay-At-Home Moms Who Also Intend to Feed This To Their Toddlers' for me?"

"Why don't you make one yourself, Heidi?"

For Daniel, a radio-controlled car became a more accessible hobby after his mountain biking buddy got too busy. (Cadence and Bella got a lot out of watching the thing race around, too!) Heidi spent a few weeks immersed in genealogical research, inspired in part by several books on the subject published by her late uncle, as well as her own curiosity on how Hemophilia entered the family blood line. Having uncovered lots of fascinating info, she hopes to pick up this hobby again in the future! In recent months, Dan has found great joy in building computers for loved ones as a hobby - Cado loves it, too!

We expected that, as Cadence grew in mobility, the number of hospital visits and Hemophilia treatments would increase. We were surprised when the process began with a spontaneous goose-egg. It didn't bother him at all! Soon, however, the bumps and bruises of toddlerhood had also become a daily reality. We tried taking him to the local hospital once, factor in hand; frankly, we were astounded at all the extra protocols our nurses were forced to follow. ("Wait, why are they taking his blood right now?"... A week later: "The results are in. Your son has Hemophilia.") From then on, we decided it was worth the drive to the federal Hemophilia Treatment Center at the Children's Hospital an hour away.

As Cado became more active, ER visits became more frequent, and our doctor soon prescribed weekly prophylactic treatment. But the more treatment he received, the harder it was to access his veins (not to mention how often he managed to fight himself free of the few needles that did find their mark), so it wasn't long before we realized he needed surgery for a mediport.

Midway into June, we packed our bags and headed to Valley Children's for a nearly week-long stay. Cado's surgery went swimmingly, and we were quite comfortable all together in our little room. The staff and volunteers were very friendly, and one even lent him a toy truck that he just had to introduce to the rest of his new friends!

For several weeks after the surgery, we received twice-weekly visits from home care nurses who trained us how to access Cado's port and administer his factor. In very short order we were qualified to factor him on our own, every Monday and Thursday and anytime emergency treatment was required. (In the six months since his port was installed, we've only had two emergencies - one of which we were able to treat from home with our doctor's blessing! The prophy has clearly done its job!)

We have continued to find cloth diapering so convenient that we are in no rush to get Cadence potty-trained. (We figure we'll wait for better weather, when we'll have less clothing to grapple with.) Till recently, our go-to diapers have been Charlie Bananas, a one-size "pocket diaper" of exceptionally brilliant design, but because we have started letting Cadence use the potty whenever he shows interest, we've begun experimenting with Flip covers and pad-folded "flats" (really just repurposed receiving blankets). The world of cloth diapering fascinates us, and we love to educate our friends - but we understand those who are intimidated by the vast array. Only one nursery attendant at church has proven unafraid to change our son, but we don't mind volunteering to handle it ourselves!

Many of our cloth diapers were given to us by a friend, who also supplied us with several years' worth of clothing hand-me-downs from her son. We ended up with so much clothing that we were able to give out of our abundance to several friends in need!

Honestly? We kind of hate reading to Cadence. He values books and asks us to open them for him, but soon thereafter he gets bored and tries to prematurely turn (and wrinkle) the page, close the book, throw it or feed it to the dog. It's actually pretty stressful, so we're extra grateful his grandparents enjoy the process! (One way we've found to keep him focused when he comes to us with books is to ask him to tell us what he sees in them while we work on a task, like sorting the laundry.)

Ever since he outgrew his Amby Baby Hammock, we have chosen to co-sleep with Cadence, eschewing cribs and playards in favor of the freedom that he prefers. We also haven't made him use a high-chair much; he fights constraint so hard, we've been afraid he'd hurt himself!

One of our favorite [alternative] parenting decisions has been to bathe our baby in a bucket: it's safe, easy, comfortable, and efficient, so we look forward to using this method for quite a while!

As our Merced summer cranked the heat up, Heidi finally broke down and went out to buy clothes that "really fit" - and subsequently found out they wouldn't fit for long! This pregnancy began with a lot of morning sickness (enough in the beginning for an ER visit to treat dehydration) and sensitivity to all that brand new, form-fitting clothing. No real cravings, per se, but an insane amount of delicious pomegranates!

Morning sickness eventually gave way to a condition called "SPD" - Heidi was put on bed rest, issued a wheelchair and a disability placard, and forced to rely on the help of friends, family (and Disney-Pixar movies) to perform the day-to-day functions of an active toddler's guardian. Couldn't have done it without 'em!

In October, we announced the details: our second son, Lyric, would be born by C-section on Feb 4th, 2015!

As Heidi's pregnancy complications increased Daniel was forced to scale back his involvement with Alt Mode Games, but there was a blissful window of time wherein we got to go to Comic Con together. (One of the highlights for us was meeting - and discussing the game With - John Baez, of Castle Crashers fame!) Meanwhile, he has continued in his full-time position at Best Buy, besides taking on many of Heidi's homemaking duties.

Heidi has not returned to opticianry, but has found much joy in using her skills to help loved ones buy new eyewear online. She has also taken up crochet again, in the hopes of selling handmade items here and there on Etsy in order to pay for much-needed massage therapy and chiropractic care.

Perhaps the majority of our waking time in 2014 was spent at (or around) Best Buy, for one reason or another. Often, Cado and Heidi would take Dan in to work and then just sort of stick around till lunch time - or even closing! We would take long, Cado-led walks to Barnes & Noble or other nearby establishments, or just wander around Best Buy making friends with all the employees. Our favorite part, of course, was seeing Daniel on his lunch break. We all really love being together as a family; we know 2015 holds many changes for us, but that one thing is bound to stay the same!

A Shocking Confession, a Reasonable Request

"If a thriving relationship with God is true wealth, I'm a 'temporarily embarrassed millionaire,'" I said to my husband as we talked late into this night. 

With SPD (symphysis pubis dysfunction) comes the risk of depression, and though I don't feel the way I did a decade ago when I struggled with clinical depression (and even suicidal ideation), I do have a front-row seat to the parade of evidence as a month of bed rest takes its toll.

I suffer feelings of guilt that my husband has to pour so much of himself into nurturing me, my toddler and our unborn son. I feel useless when I realize there's not a whole lot I can do in return without risking a lifetime of debilitation in the process. I feel listless, unable to drum up any interest in human interaction, self-improvement, or even entertainment. I lack the attention span right now to make it through one movie or even TV show, and it's impossible for me to read anything longer than three paragraphs without producing physical pain - it turns out the exertion of daily life played a key role in keeping my ADHD symptoms at bay in recent years. I've never known boredom until now; there was always so much to do, I couldn't even touch it all. Now, I can't bring myself to touch any of it. 

Smiling and laughing with my baby wears me out, because I don't even want to do that. I feel that much more a hero for every minute I don't spend distracting him with the Chromecast in the other room.

I don't know about anyone else, but I was clearly made for corporate worship. When I am connected to a group of believers who share the same goal - to thrive in right relationship with God - I see great growth toward that end. My enthusiasm is sustained through regular confession of sin, mutual intercession, edifying conversation, the asking and answering of hard-hitting questions, sincere consideration of unfamiliar precepts, reiteration of familiar doctrine, rejoicing and grieving and everything in between - together. 

As the interactions fade, so too does my zeal. 

I once had a mentor and a disciple - input and output - a healthy cycle. I once was a part of a Bible study for young women like myself. I once was physically able to walk into church whenever I wanted. I once was a member of the worship team. I once was a missionary in a foreign land, for that matter. 

Now I'm alone, and I hate it, but I'm scared of trying to fix it. 

I don't want to know anyone as well as I knew my disciple, and I don't want anyone to know me as well as my mentor did. I don't want to be in a room full of women chattering about work life or home life or hobbies, or saying "Hmmmmm, yes, Lord," every time the curriculum takes a turn toward the warm fuzzies. I don't want to shower and crawl to the car and sit in a wobbly wheelchair while my toddler spends an hour trying to convince the nursery staff to let him out so he can find me. I don't want to lead in singing the unimpactful "worship" songs that somehow made their way into our weekly service from the most boring Christian radio station in town, and I don't want anyone to find out I'm in this valley of shadow after they financially contributed to the enlightening work that God called me to do that one time in that far off land.

I don't like that nobody from church reaches out to me when I don't show up, and I wouldn't like it if they did - but I know there's no such thing as spiritual limbo. It's uphill or downhill for me, and I know I want out of this rut.

Pray for me, will you?