A Shocking Confession, a Reasonable Request

"If a thriving relationship with God is true wealth, I'm a 'temporarily embarrassed millionaire,'" I said to my husband as we talked late into this night. 

With SPD (symphysis pubis dysfunction) comes the risk of depression, and though I don't feel the way I did a decade ago when I struggled with clinical depression (and even suicidal ideation), I do have a front-row seat to the parade of evidence as a month of bed rest takes its toll.

I suffer feelings of guilt that my husband has to pour so much of himself into nurturing me, my toddler and our unborn son. I feel useless when I realize there's not a whole lot I can do in return without risking a lifetime of debilitation in the process. I feel listless, unable to drum up any interest in human interaction, self-improvement, or even entertainment. I lack the attention span right now to make it through one movie or even TV show, and it's impossible for me to read anything longer than three paragraphs without producing physical pain - it turns out the exertion of daily life played a key role in keeping my ADHD symptoms at bay in recent years. I've never known boredom until now; there was always so much to do, I couldn't even touch it all. Now, I can't bring myself to touch any of it. 

Smiling and laughing with my baby wears me out, because I don't even want to do that. I feel that much more a hero for every minute I don't spend distracting him with the Chromecast in the other room.

I don't know about anyone else, but I was clearly made for corporate worship. When I am connected to a group of believers who share the same goal - to thrive in right relationship with God - I see great growth toward that end. My enthusiasm is sustained through regular confession of sin, mutual intercession, edifying conversation, the asking and answering of hard-hitting questions, sincere consideration of unfamiliar precepts, reiteration of familiar doctrine, rejoicing and grieving and everything in between - together. 

As the interactions fade, so too does my zeal. 

I once had a mentor and a disciple - input and output - a healthy cycle. I once was a part of a Bible study for young women like myself. I once was physically able to walk into church whenever I wanted. I once was a member of the worship team. I once was a missionary in a foreign land, for that matter. 

Now I'm alone, and I hate it, but I'm scared of trying to fix it. 

I don't want to know anyone as well as I knew my disciple, and I don't want anyone to know me as well as my mentor did. I don't want to be in a room full of women chattering about work life or home life or hobbies, or saying "Hmmmmm, yes, Lord," every time the curriculum takes a turn toward the warm fuzzies. I don't want to shower and crawl to the car and sit in a wobbly wheelchair while my toddler spends an hour trying to convince the nursery staff to let him out so he can find me. I don't want to lead in singing the unimpactful "worship" songs that somehow made their way into our weekly service from the most boring Christian radio station in town, and I don't want anyone to find out I'm in this valley of shadow after they financially contributed to the enlightening work that God called me to do that one time in that far off land.

I don't like that nobody from church reaches out to me when I don't show up, and I wouldn't like it if they did - but I know there's no such thing as spiritual limbo. It's uphill or downhill for me, and I know I want out of this rut.

Pray for me, will you?

Hiatus

It's been almost a month since we posted, partly because we wanted to finish the year-end update all in one fell swoop and move on to posts about Korea. However, we've hit a snag. Just when Heidi found the photos she needed to illustrate the posts, she found out that the Word document containing the actual text was one of the few things that did not get transferred from our PC to our portable hard drive, and is therefore waiting for us in Dana Point with our beloved family.  Therefore, we will continue on with Korea news and finish the year-end updates when we get back. Thank you all for your eagerness to hear what God is doing in our lives!

Our lovely SoCal family. Taken by Aunt Mary (windswept.smugmug.com) at the going-away potluck.

Year-End Recap 2010: May - part 2

So far most of the photos in my Year-End Recap series have come from the same folder, entitled "Phone Pictures till May 2010." From here on out, it's going to be quite a bit more difficult to find photos to illustrate my posts. This may mean quite a delay (not to mention the fact that we're currently burning the candle at both ends trying to balance work and purging our possessions before we vacate our apartment and move to Korea!)... but before I go, I'd like to share one of the very last photos in this album:

This was taken in the hidden area behind my apartment complex, right across the dirt path from the railroad Daniel walks across to get to work every day. I just love the spiritual application this photo presents; mankind can realize great potential (building the wall) but usually makes a stupid choice here and there (tagging the wall). God (represented here by nature, His creation) was there when they built the wall and messed it up. Right now He's making it better, and He will continue to do so as long as we accept His grace. He doesn't remove the blemish, but in His kindness, He is faithful to cover it - in essence, to make it new. We still have the choice to tear down these vines, to refuse His offer of redemption, and if we do, the consequences of the stupid choice will still be there. We could try to paint over it, but the wall will never truly be the same, no matter how close a shade we find to paint it with!



Well, I'm waxing talkative, and all I really wanted was to say: God is good.



And with this, I bid you adieu. (Or as we say in Korean: An-nyeong!)

Year-End Recap 2010: May

Mother's Day card I paited for my MIL (Mother-In-Love)

My apartment after a "Marathon Cleaning," as FlyLady puts it

The first "real" crochet project I ever finished

We celebrated Naomi's birthday with a visit from her fiance, David

In May I took another step forward toward responsible living by actually subscribing to emails from the FlyLady. She’s really good at encouraging her FlyBabies to take the leap and do the things they want or need to do… so when I heard that Glee (a musical TV show) was holding open auditions, I went for it! The videos may still be posted on MySpace, for those who want to see them.   

I wanted to sign up for a voiceover class offered at the community college, but ended up missing the opportunity. Another anticipated-but-missed event this month was Open Cockpit Day at the Castle Air Force Base Air Museum. They have one every year, and we’d love to go! 

A couple of events I did get to attend were the Creekside Ladies’ Spring Luncheon (“Spring Forth into Hope!”) and a local fashion show put together by my boss’ daughter and modeled by my the little sister of my high school best friend, Ashley McComb – the best part is that Ashley and I got to sit together, and afterwards I got to dine with the whole family. It felt just like old times! Plus I really like supporting local artistic endeavors like that fashion show.   

An art show featuring the work of local high school students

And while we’re on the subject of art and support, I’d like to say I’m extremely grateful for my artistic and supportive husband! Daniel and I got to work together on a personalized melamine plate for his family. It featured a hand-drawn comic-book-style image of the two of us as super heroes, complete with masks, and a city skyline at sunset.  Later, Daniel acted as my real-life hero by taking care of a fix-it ticket I got when a patrolman noticed my windshield was cracked. May was very busy for me, so it was nice to have him handle the details. 

May was graduation month, so Downtown Merced hosted an event called Cap & Town to celebrate. Daniel was the on-site photographer at our friend’s shop, which was also celebrating its first anniversary.

Everything was great until a thirty-person-fight broke out a block away, and somebody got shot! No one died, but it helped remind us we need to keep in prayer those in our town whose lives are held in the vise-grip of the gang activity so prevalent in this area. 

On a brighter note, this was the month we got to host members of the Azusa Pacific chorale during their post-semester tour. It was only overnight, but we all had a blast! Now we’re friends on facebook. I love that we get to keep in touch!

Year-End Recap 2010: April

In April, I grew as a homemaker when I remembered my high school exposure to The FlyLady and started exploring her website for advice (small victories, eh? Or as The FlyLady says, Baby Steps!). Dan was able to land some odd jobs at our friend’s shop in exchange for his [delicious] wares, and I actually finished and sent a letter to my grandma!

(If you only knew how many letters and thank-you notes I’ve started! I’ve still got ones I haven’t sent which date back to high school. To those of you for whom these letters were intended: I’m so sorry!)   

One disappointment was missing out on the annual missions trip to Mexico to work side by side with our beloved sister church and its pastor, Trino Ortiz. He’s such a kindred spirit! 

However, all was not lost: we got to have a visit from our Orange County kindred spirits, Josh Mayo and Quentin Ortega! Great fun, food, fellowship and photography was had by all.   

More great fellowship was had when Janelle York (our youth pastor’s wife and my most kindred spirit of all) and I finally made time to see each other one afternoon; we laid bare our hearts and prayed and cried (or at least, I did), and made a pact to turn our church into one that’s comfortable (and eager!) go pray together on the spot whenever a need is made known. 

 I was encouraged to spend more time in the Word, and subsequently spent a lot of time in 1 Samuel. One thing that stood out to me was the story of Dagon versus the Ark of the Covenant:

“When the Philistines took the ark of God, they brought it into the temple of Dagon and set it by Dagon. And when the people of Ashdod arose early in the morning, there was Dagon, fallen on its face to the earth before the ark of the Lord. So they took Dagon and set it in its place again. And when they arose early the next morning, there was Dagon, fallen on its face to the ground before the ark of the Lord. The head of Dagon and both the palms of its hands were broken off on the threshold; only Dagon’s torso was left of it. Therefore neither the priests of Dagon nor any who come into Dagon’s house tread on the threshold of Dagon in Ashdod to this day.”

Taken 4/26/10: my 21st spiritual birthday

Upon reading this, I was challenged to ask myself, “What’s my Dagon… and do I keep setting it in its place again?”

Year-End Recap 2010: March

In March, I actually ended up spending a lot of time not working. The first weekend I spent accompanying the youth to Acquire the Fire for the second year in a row, eagerly anticipating Saturday’s Thousand Foot Krutch concert.   

As we prepared to enjoy the experience, I looked at one of my 13-year-olds and said, “I just realized I’ve been listening to these guys since you were in diapers. Wowww.” 

Ultimately, though it was a fantastic concert, I felt it was out of place. Here we are, gathered together to ”Acquire the Fire,” to be filled with a passion for worshiping God above all else, bawling our eyes out as actors portray scenarios of inspirational devotion… and then we’re moshing to “Rawkfist.” But I digress.   

Beyond taking time off for ATF, I ended up sick for a week and a half, during which time I took the opportunity to find common ground with my high school girls by watching all three seasons of Hannah Montana back to back (followed promptly by Hannah Montana the Movie). I won’t tell you whether or not Daniel joined me, but suffice to say, Lily is his favorite character by far!   

March 3rd: Glorious rain!

March 4th: Glorious sun

In the midst of this childish pastime, I couldn’t help but feel rather grown-up at receiving my first real jury summons (which really only amounted to standing by the fire exit for a while, witting on the floor for even longer, and finally being dismissed to go home and take a nap to recuperate)!   

A well-deserved sense of accomplishment resulted from spending a day writing an article on the history of a friend’s shop downtown, then seeing it published shortly thereafter! We also celebrated Isaac’s birthday at this shop, putting him in touch with the owner, who soon incorporated Isaac into his staff of interns. It’s been wonderful to watch his growth as an employee there.

 Playing disc golf before Isaac's party

 Spending time with loved ones over "froyo" pie!

Year-End Recap 2010: February

 A windy day downtown; Lauren Stokes performing at Gottschalk's Music Center

February saw us downtown a lot.  Having befriended a few of the owners at our favorite local shops, we were drawn to spend much of our time patronizing, conversing and gaming with them.   

 Frozen yogurt shop owner Alex Lu-Pon and his sister, "Tiny"

One shop, which sells comic books, included us in their plans for a Grand Opening that month, wherein I impersonated a comic book character who happened to have been brought into the limelight by a nationally celebrated local artist, while Daniel photographed the event. 

 

 Rushing in to save the day,

 

making friends...

 

 ...and enemies along the way!

 

 (A few months later, one of his shots ended up in an ad for the comic shop!)   

February felt like the true first month of the year, as Daniel and I settled into the new year by breaking from much of our previous ministry to re-evaluate our place in the family of God, and I got a chance to make good on my resolution to find more opportunities to write when I got interested in the subject of water conservation.   

Utilizing contacts I had made downtown, I feverishly pursued research on the subject until I had so much information at my disposal I realized I would have to back off and narrow my focus if I ever hoped to finish the article I had planned…  and then I got busy with work.